1.19.2008

General Update


See, y'all, I'm trying!

So, here's the scoop. I'm still in the same place, but I'm making teeny advances.

I'm enrolled in college. Yup, I finally went and did it. 12 hours at Connors, a local community college. Now to keep my nose clean and my rear in gear. I am sooooo looking forward to class.

My support system has really kept me going. I have really good friends who have just been so supportive of me through everything. Some I've had for years, and some I've made in the past year. I love all of them with all my heart.

Sometimes I wish I'd been diagnosed sooner. Then again there's a reason for everything.


I'll try to get some new pics of myself up as soon as I find my camera cable but for now y'all are gonna have to make do with this, um, 'friendly' PhotoShop tribute by my Insider buddy Payallin. XD

1.05.2008

I Don’t Need You to Worry ‘Bout Me ‘Cause I’m All Right

*original write date 12-22-2007


Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I know that what I’m about to type is gonna potentially cause a bunch of you to worry and that’s one of the last things that I want. Matter of fact, let me list them off for you so we can be perfectly clear on what I don’t want from any of you:
Pity
Worry
Judgment
Charity
Now, here are the things I can use:
Support
Understanding
Prayer
Got it? Good.
How long since I last updated? Oh, crikey. Well, I’ve never been accused of being regular about it for certain. Last time I checked it I believe I was jobless and living with my brother and SIL (again) and none of us were happy about it. I wanted to go to school and get my degree in Graphic Design but SiL just wanted me out from under her roof as she was not a charitable institution (and I was having no luck in finding suitable employment despite my concerted efforts at doing so). It didn’t matter that I was jobless and my options were nonexistent; she wanted me out. I decided that although Muskogee was far away and there’s always been something skeevy a bout my uncle, that living with my grandfather for the time being was better than being homeless.
Thus, on Thanksgiving Day, I was dropped off; the proverbial problem shifted to someone else. I was determined, more than ever, to not only pull myself to my feet, but to learn once and for all how to put a stop to my chronic issues with job loss and my seeming inability to live independently. I know that my disorder has a great deal to do with it, and one of the key issues I plan to address with my therapist is my severe lack of basic life skills (i.e. budgeting, household management, etc- these are things I guess most people just learn through trial and error, but I have never managed to pick up on).
IT didn’t take long for this living arrangement to go straight downhill. My grandpa is an all right guy (slightly senile, hard of hearing and all, but his heart’s in the right place). The cousin I could take or leave. Once again the issue at hand was my slime ball uncle. Granted, he saw the accident that killed his mother and sister. He was five at the time. It was nothing a little boy shoulf see, and I am certain he’s still deeply wounded by it. However, he refuses to seek help for it, and as the saying goes- you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. The man has over forty years of experience manipulating people into getting what he wants out of them that seeking help may endanger those long-standing behaviors.
I’m not going into details here. I’m not comfortable having them for the world to see; I’ve already shared them with the people that need to know. Just suffice it to say that I was subjected to a great deal of emotional abuse and inappropriate comments/behavior at his hands while I lived there, for a total of 22 days. My final straw was the day after the Glenn Beck Christmas Show. I don’t know what got up his nose, but I simply asked him why he had to be so nasty to me and that set him off. After an emotional exhausting exchange, I grabbed my purse and coat and fled for my church. I told my priest what was going on and he advised me to get out of there as soon as possible. I left the church with the intention of calling my brother collect from the nearest payphone. Instead I flagged a police car down and explained that I had fled from home for my personal safety. They agreed to try to contact Jason. When that failed they arranged for me to stay at a shelter for abused women. As of today (12/22/2007) I am still here and will remain here until 01/17/08.
My game plan is to attend Tulsa University. I hope I can still squeak in under the admissions deadlines for the spring semester. If not I will shoot for plan B. I will also try to find some sort of job here and save up a bit of money so that I can afford a place on my own.
I’m okay, though. I lived through this. I guess I can live through anything.

*UPDATE 01/05/2008*
Christmas was nice enough, considering that I was far from my family, and that I had to spend it amongst strangers. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my family has no sympathy for the fact that I've been through something so traumatic and they still feel that I should just deal with it myself. They made good on their promise to cast me off, it seems.
So be it.
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm fed up. I'm trying to get my act together here and the people who are supposed to be my support system are bailing on me in my time of need. To be discarded like a piece of used Kleenex hurts more than I can really express. I may be flawed but I am a human being.
What is all of this supposed to teach me? I can only be so optimistic before I just completely lose it. I feel completely alone here and unsure of what to do.
Sorry for all the whining. Check back later for my usual optimism.

Afterglow (original date 12/14/2007)

What a glorious, wonderful night!!!
I’m sitting in a Tulsa IHOP eating a spinach and mushroom omelet with pancakes (all five syrups tyvm). I just got out of the GB Christmas Show at the Mabee Center. Words fail me for just how wonderful it was! I seriously laughed and cried the entire time. OMG if I ever meet that man I am so hugging him (if security lets me… damned Ron Paul supporting wackjobs make me sad).
I was in such a hurry to grow up from the time I was 8 that it’s a miracle that my childlike sense of wonder remained intact. Now I’m doing all I can to make sure it survives. (Hence all the syrups.)
Glenn Beck is such an inspiration. The Church won’t recognize his sainthood. Ah well. Their loss. I know where it’s at and where he’ll be- his light shines too brightly not to. I want my light to shine too.