12.08.2008

Working for the Weekend

I actually really like the job though. Pretty laid back. The parents are rather accommodating. The kids are typical high-energy rugrats. I have even learned to love the bulldog.

Had a strange weekend. Eric and I went out for coffee and wound up kissing in the parking lot of the bar. (A rather chaste kiss.) As opposed to ruining our friendship it has made it rather more fun. He wants to do something this week. I'm stupid crazy about him and it's either gonna make me or break me.

I need to do something about Kris though. He's sending me forlorn text messages. I don't know how to get the point across that I'm not in love with him except, I guess to just tell him. I do not look forward to that. It's complicated- and not just because of the whole Eric thing. I've always had the nagging feeling that this just seemed doomed somehow. He's always been good to me but I still have a real issue with trusting him because of things that have gone down with other people.

12.04.2008

Diary of a Mad Housebound Nanny Day 4

My charges are boys, ages 4 and 5. The 5-yr-old is in kindergarten half the day and is typically the easier of the two to govern. The 4-yr-old is, well, four. Sometimes things have to be explained to him over and over. There are moments where my patience is tested- they tend to talk back to me and fight with each other. But it's all good.
The atmosphere here is pretty darn good. I'm treated with respect by the parents, who are a young engaged couple. They're trying to get some lawyer bills paid and then they want to reverse his vasectomy so they can have more kids. (The boys are from his previous marriage, I believe.) I have a small bedroom and after the parents are home I have plenty of me time. I feel really good about this.

Something tells me I won't be getting over Eric any time soon. The whole thing is quite complicated. We started out as friends- I really liked him a lot, of course. I was still nursing the wounds of an unrequited crush that hadn't gone well. By the time I had gotten around to liking him in a more than platonic way, he'd gotten together with one of the girls from the bar. He's not breaking up with her any time soon. I would be disappointed in him if he did.

See, I actually told him how I felt about him. He's flattered, kinda feels the same way, and would be all over it if he weren't with someone already.

I've tried avoiding him. Not happening. We end up missing each other. So I guess we're BFF's???

12.02.2008

New things afoot

Well, it's about time I updated this thing. LOL

Let's see... I'm working for a young couple as a nanny now, and will be until the end of May. They have two young boys. So far it's going well.

Have, as a result, given up karaoke hosting. It's probably for the best though. I'm thoroughly smitten with Eric. I need to get past it. It's a little weird. He has a girlfriend.

10.26.2008

Interesting

The Quiz

The following are your scores. They are based on a gradual range of 0 to 12. For instance, a Conservative/Progressive score of 3 and 0 will both yield a result of social conservative, yet 0 would be an extreme conservative and 3 a moderate conservative



Conservative/Progressive score: 4
You are a social moderate. You think the progressive movement is overall well meaning, but sometimes it goes too far. On issues like abortion and affirmative action, you see the negatives of both extremes on the issue. You probably value religion, but at the same time you think it should still stay separate from the government



Capitalist Purist/Social Capitalist score: 6
You are a Moderate Capitalist. You support an economy that is by and large a free market, but has public programs to help people who can't help themselves or need a little help. Pretty much you believe in the American economy how it currently is.



Libertarian/Authoritarian score: 2
You are libertarian. You think that the government is making way too many unnecessary laws that are taking away our innate rights. You believe that the government's job is primarily to protect people from harming other people, but after that they should mind their own business, and if we give the government too much power in controlling our lives, it can lead to fascism.



Pacifist/Militarist score: 3
You're a Pacifist. You are angered that the United States thinks it should dominate the world through its military force. You think that the only time war is necessary is when we are in direct danger of being attacked. You also believe the US spends way too much of its money on defense, as we can practically cut it in half and still easily defend ourselves, and use that money to fix all our economic problems.

Overall, you would most likely fit into the category of Republican.

Take the quiz for yourself and see how you score. I dare ya. :)

10.25.2008

If my brother ever plays the Shaggs again, I will put the hurt on him.

Also, I have found my favorite pants ever. Brown Old Navy cords. Got 'em for $5 at a thrift store. Also scored on that trip: a light coat and the freakiest/coolest jammies ever.

Miss Kris liek whoa. But sometimes I wonder if this whole involvement with him is such a good idea.

10.24.2008

Ooooh. Shiny!!!

I'm not very good at this blogging thing. Probably b/c I've got my Facebook and my MySpace and my novel distracting me. My ADD approach to life is guaranteed to be entertaining, is it not? (As my friend Eric told me: You know what ADD stands for? Attention Deficit HEY LET'S GO RIDE BIKES! )

SO, I'm seriously happy to be back here in the big OKC. I'm still working for Jason hosting karaoke. It's interesting to say the least. I'll probably supplement that income with some sort of holiday type retail gig to tide me over til January when I take another stab at school. (No more management though. Had enough of that. And I've noticed I don't want to buy any more shoes either. LOL)

I've gotten back in touch with my friends (yay) as well as making new ones. Like Eric. Holy crap, I can't believe I've met someone as freaking awesome as he is. He loves a lot of the same music that I do. He's actually a friend of Jason's- he hangs out at Shiloh, where Jason's doing karaoke shows now (Nick's closed). I met him a few days after I moved back here and, man, I think we totally hit it off. If he didn't have a GF and I weren't involved(ish) I would so ask him out.

I'm thinking very seriously of attending St. Ambrose in Iowa. It's a Catholic university. I feel like I was deprived of a Catholic education growing up simply because we were Protestant. I would have gotten a lot from a Catholic education- it's simply, from everything I've ever heard, superior to that one gets in the public schools. A lot more is demanded of the student. I would likely have flourished and have been challenged instead of languishing thanks to undiagnosed ADD.

But I digress. A Catholic college education would be better than public university, and St. Ambrose offers graphic design as a degree option. My non-Catholic friend who lives in Davenport says he's impressed with the standards St. Ambrose has for academics and the way they integrate Catholicism into the educational experience.

Of course, a lot of that has to do with him personally wanting me to move out there. We have a complicated relationship. Kris and I met in 1999- he worked with Jason at a major retail electronics store and I was up there one day helping them do inventory. Kris and I totally got along- I think the phrase that applies is 'got along like a house on fire'.

In late 2000, I was engaged and it wasn't going well at all. My fiance was Wiccan; I was Christian. He had no tolerance for my Christian beliefs. He expected me to either fall into line with his beliefs or not express mine. So, you can see where it was heading very quickly for disaster. I took a seasonal position at the store. This gave Kris and me plenty of time and opportunity to hang out and talk. Now, I had been hearing plenty of negative feedback about my fiance from all kinds of people- my family, various friends and such. So it was no surprise that Kris didn't like him either. I finally started venting about our dreadful home life and came to the conclusion that our relationship wasn't worth saving. No matter that I'd committed to marry him at some point in the future; we were not married. Given that we believed so differently, and that he was becoming emotionally abusive, we had no business getting married.It took several people to get me to see that. So, I broke it off. Kris was one of the people who helped me through that.

About a year later Jason and Kris (whose friendship was always pretty tenuous anyway) engaged in business dealings. Jason had agreed to buy a truck from Kris. Now, to this day I'm not sure what went down; I just know that Kris ended up taking back the truck after a few months, alleging that Jason was late with payments. From my perspective, this is why you don't do business with your friends. I know they're not friends now. Jason pretty well expected me to cut all ties to Kris as well over it. For a while I did. But Kris and I had a completely different dynamic, and his significance to me was too great to just shut him out over something that didn't even involve me.

So, we remained friends, despite Jason's disapproval. Kris moved to Iowa about five years ago or so. He's been trying to get me to move out there ever since. I've thought about it (St. Ambrose) before but other stuff has cropped up. And I'm pretty into him. Have been on and off for years.

Anyway...

Did I mention I've taken up painitng? Acrylics. I'm proud.

disrupt1

Sorry if that's too big. And I plan to do more. Lots more. Painting is so much fun! And cathartic.

Oh, man, I made zuppa toscana today. It was teh roxxorz. Nom nom nom like whoa. Followed up with a cup of coffee. I love fall.

9.12.2008

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Crummy job: Done done done done done. YAY!!!!!!!!

Toilet of a town: leaving either Sunday or Monday. (Same goes for the cucaracha-fest of an apartment.) DOUBLE YAY!!!!!!!!

I have learned a lot about myself here though. I've gained an incredible amount of confidence as well- I've taken up painting (something I've always wanted to do but never dared) and consider myself an artist. I feel better about myself than I have since I was a child. I've learned to stand up for myself because I'm worth standing up for. I've benefited from being in a fantastic therapy group for nine months- this has taught me more about opening up to people. My social skills have improved dramatically. Gosh, I've even had my heart broken and it wasn't even traumatic this time around. I don't hate the guy. I genuinely consider him a good friend.

I've gained a lot be being here the past ten months. But it's time for me to get home. My grandfather is not doing well since his stroke in December. I'm incredibly homesick and culture-deprived; what good is it being an artist in a town that lacks an arts district?

I've made some terrific friends here, and I will miss them. I sincerely hope they all write me. But am I ever looking forward to being home amongst my support network and familiar surroundings- and in time for the State Fair, too.

8.20.2008

Long overdue update

Sorry it's been so long. That part-time job I took in May has totally taken over my life- in the worst possible way.

First of all, I've had to give up my summer semester and it looks like I'm sitting out the fall as well because we can't keep any part-time help on. Also, I wasn't properly trained to do my job (my supervisor had to go on medical leave the week I got there) and now that my sup is back she does try but she can only make it down from Tulsa about once every 2 weeks or so and she's always got something to complain about. It's to the point that I sincerely doubt that I can do my job and am quite ready to tell them they can have it.

Yeah. I hate my job. I hate this town. I want to go home. I have no friends. I have no life. I am freaking MISERABLE.

4.22.2008

:P

I guess I'll never make the mistake of complaining about being too busy again. That's a good way to make God go "Hmmm, really? You wanna see 'too busy'?"

Just trust me on this for now, kids. I gotta go to work.

4.07.2008

I'm tired already.

I've pretty much washed my hands of the situation with Uncle Dirtbag. He's not going to change unless he wants to and I just don't see that happening. I think my only way out of this one is to move out. It'll be tight but it's gotta be better than this. I'm sleep deprived- Uncle Ray's 'episodes' are happening more frequently now (I'm talking about every other night now). I'm tired, cranky, and irritable all the time. My grades are slipping because I've missed class, and when I do go I'm half out of it a lot of the time.

I shouldn't have to live like this- none of us should. He needs mental help but refuses to seek it. He's seeing his PO, but that's made him even harder to deal with.

I just don't know how much more I can take.

3.27.2008

I have truly lost it.

So, I have a Facebook, like so many people. Big deal. But, nutty thing is, I made Bill teh Katt her own Facebook (Catbook) profile.

Yup.

Oh, and I'm working part-time in the shoe department at K-mart. Pays pretty good... if only I weren't up to my ears in shoes all the time- it's like a crackhead working in a crack store and not being able to actually afford the wide variety of crack (althjough the crackhead would probably just steal the crack while I just drool and sigh over the variety of adorable skate shoes and sexy strappy heels...)

Oh, and instead of moving to Warner in 6 weeks I'm thinking of staying on in Muskogee this summer and transferring to UCO in the fall. Warner offers no more summer classes than Muskogee does so why bother? A summertime move? Bleah. And it would get me home 5 months sooner.

Oh, and my buddy Bryan is indeed teh roxxorz. :D

3.20.2008

When it rains...

First of all, an update on my somewhat messy personal life:

I talked to my uncle's PO because of all the avoidance going on and it seems the dirtbag is in deep smeg. Avoiding your P.O.'s calls and directives to come in to the office = a very bad thing. He was facing reactivation of his status to supervised and possible rehab. Now, it's a lot more complicated. I have no idea if he made it to an appointment he had on Tuesday or not; if so, then he's not in that much trouble (although he's still likely headed to rehab since there's no way he passed a drug test). However, I'm taking the Vegas odds on it, which means that there's a warrant out for him, or there will be soon. (I just called the house a few minutes ago and got a busy signal, so that tells me he's still avoiding 'em.)

Secondly: Spring break would be a lot nicer without this nasty sinus infection.

Thirdly: Isn't Bill teh Katt adorable? She's about a year old, very playful, and really affectionate. She loves to attack my slippers for some reason- probably because they're fuzzy. I can't resist buying her cat toys. Her latest favorite- a laser pointer. She goes absolutely frantic trying to catch the beam of light- it's a hysterically funny sight. When the laser beam disappears, she frantically searches for it. 
She's a little ham, I tell ya. A few days ago, I was getting ready for school, and she kept batting at my feet under the bathroom door per her usual habit. She did this for twenty minutes; when I finally finished and opened the door, she had managed to be just sitting there bathing. She even looked at me innocently. 

Oh, gosh. Tomorrow's Good Friday. I'd like to make it to St. John's for solemn service but if not I'm sure St. Patrick's will be just fine. And I really need to go to Confession! 

3.19.2008

Yay! moarpix

Taken by my mom in 1976. She had an odd sense of humor, like everyone else in my family.



















Right: My mom. Taken in 1962. She was, from what I've heard, pretty much into everything. She loved the outdoors and nature. I know she was an animal lover- we grew up with three cats: Cosmo, Trystan and Ariel.








Me at 13 months old.



















My family- Mom, me and Jason. Thanksgiving 1978.
























My senior picture.



























































3.17.2008

Pictures out the Wazoo

I'm in OKC for teh Spring Break after all- my brother decided it would be good for me and it was an offer I couldn't turn down. So, I've been reunited with my camera cable. As a result, I'd like to share some pictures of the past 5 months.

This was taken last Halloween. It was really convincing.

Jason's costume. Not remotely convincing, but hilarious.























Taken in Nivember, just before I moved.















































This and the next two are a couple of art shots of Tulsa. It was snowing and so pretty that I couldn't resist.












Photobucket






Photobucket


Me and my buddy, Bill teh Katt. (Female, btw.) She's my uncle's, but she likes me better. :DPhotobucket Tulsa, OK. 12/15/2007.

3.14.2008

Spring Break! Whooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.... I have less than 2 months of this semester to go, y'all. I hope I make it.

Oh, and as for the other drama in my life: Uncle Sleazball has been selling drugs on the side. His own prescription medication. Bad, stupid, and dangerous. So, out of concern for my own safety, and that of everyone else in our household, I reported him to the police. He is now currently under investigation by their drug unit. I say, he'd best bend over and kiss his a$$ goodbye. Oh, and he should probably stock up on soap-on-a-rope too while he's at it.

3.03.2008

I'm either extremely stupid, brave, or both.

So....

I haven't really alluded to my home life much since January, have I? Well, it's because I've rather feltthat the gory details were better kept to myself after I shared the basics. Nothing changed for a while and I didn't want to go into it because certain aspects were so depressing that I didn't feel like sharing. Yeah. Not healthy, as I learned.

I returned home, to the promise that all would be peaceful and I could work on my degree with no worries. Things with my uncle seemed to be going fine for the first couple weeks. That doesn't mean I trusted him any further than I could pick him up and throw him, however. His sudden strange behavior last week didn't surprise me... once again, I knew I was in for another battle of with the redneck wonder freak. This time, though, he's goin' down.

He woke the entire house Wednesday night with his ranting. First time it was directed at me and my Catholicism. (He's always ranting about that and wanting to 'save my soul'.) The second time, however, he'd decided to wake my elderly grandfather for some reason, which Grandpa didn't much appreciate. I woke to Uncle Ray shouting obscenities at my granddad, to which he responded that he wanted my uncle to either leave the house or he was going to call the police. My uncle became incensed at this. I went in there to break it up and my uncle started in on me. Long story short, it did break up, but not before my uncle threatened me and everyone else in the house.

He's been waking us up at night ever since. I know the man has issues, but this is more than anyone should have to put up with. It's not myself that I'm worried for so much- I'm transferring to another school at the end of May- but I'm definitely sure I don't want this man to continue to emotionally abuse my grandpa. I worry about how long it would take for it to turn to physical abuse.

So, I'm putting a stop to it.

Uncle Ray is violating the terms of his parole by smoking pot (which I've seen him do numerous times). Although his parole is currently unsupervised, the drugs are still a major no-no that could get him into some serious trouble. So, as a concerned citizen, who feels that this man is a threat to himself and to others, I am getting a hold of someone with the Dept. of Corrections Parole Office to see about this. This isn't spite that's motivating me- I'm worried for my safety and my granddad's. And reporting him is a risky move, but something has to be done. Uncle Ray has terrorized us long enough.

So, please pray for me and my family.

2.29.2008

I can't believe after I busted my hump that I only got an 86 on my English test!

Oh well. It's still an 86. And my English teacher is a hard-nosed perfectionist. Guess I'll have to work really hard for a B in this one. I suppose it'll give me character. LOL

BTW, Uncle Ray is a wackjob. He thinks the dead talk to him, has threatened me with bodily harm (not that I'm scared b/c I've been working out and he hasn't). He woke the entire house up Wednesday night with his ranting and screaming about not wanting to go back to prison. I'm not worried for my sake, really- I'm outta there in 2 months. It's more that I'm worried for my grandfather, who's 75 and entitled to a peaceful retirement, not being bullied and threatened by his unbalanced bully of a son. Not to mention all that pot-smoking is a direct violation of his parole... so, guess who's gonna get in touch with his parole officer? *evil grin*

Good grief! March 15 is 2 weeks away.... Spring Break!!!! :D

2.26.2008

w00t!!!!!!

Fundamentals of Computers test taken Thursday.

Test results received today.

I got a 94!!!!! :D :D :D

2.25.2008

Well, it seems the worst is over with, test wise. (Yay.) I have one more to take, in Government, that shouldn't be too horrible. Now all I have to do is work on my speech for tomorrow's Speech class. Most of it's done, I just need to transcribe and rehearse.

Personal life is- aw, shoot, what personal life? I go to school, and I study. XD But, seriously, I'm making progress in group therapy- I feel like I've tackled a lot of issues that have held me back, and I'm feeling even better about what lies ahead.

Shout out time!

First of all, to a long-time loyal reader, SoonerScotty. Your support means a lot to me. Thanks. :)

To my peeps back home. Theresa, Alysha, Carol, and my other homies- I miss y'all. I can't wait 'til Spring Break!!! :D

To my fellow Insiders- I love you more than life itself. Payallin, you are the shizz, and you have inspired me to no end. jacksmiller, are you even on any more?

ANyway, schoolwork beckons.

2.19.2008

Blargh

Three tests in the same week? Someone has to be kidding me.

2.16.2008

Drive By Post (Again)

Hi. Busy. Gotta make this fast.

School is demanding. I have 3 tests next week that i have to prepare for. Wheeeeeee. But I'm managing to keep up so far. Five weeks down, 12 to go. (I think.)

Moved back in with Grandpa- Uncle Ray is really sick and is not feeling up to bothering me. He's been really good about leaving me alone (although his behavior is odd but it's probably the cancer.)

Grandpa Weaver seems to finally be getting better. I had an entirely lucid conversation with him yesterday.

That's pretty much it for now.

1.19.2008

General Update


See, y'all, I'm trying!

So, here's the scoop. I'm still in the same place, but I'm making teeny advances.

I'm enrolled in college. Yup, I finally went and did it. 12 hours at Connors, a local community college. Now to keep my nose clean and my rear in gear. I am sooooo looking forward to class.

My support system has really kept me going. I have really good friends who have just been so supportive of me through everything. Some I've had for years, and some I've made in the past year. I love all of them with all my heart.

Sometimes I wish I'd been diagnosed sooner. Then again there's a reason for everything.


I'll try to get some new pics of myself up as soon as I find my camera cable but for now y'all are gonna have to make do with this, um, 'friendly' PhotoShop tribute by my Insider buddy Payallin. XD

1.05.2008

I Don’t Need You to Worry ‘Bout Me ‘Cause I’m All Right

*original write date 12-22-2007


Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I know that what I’m about to type is gonna potentially cause a bunch of you to worry and that’s one of the last things that I want. Matter of fact, let me list them off for you so we can be perfectly clear on what I don’t want from any of you:
Pity
Worry
Judgment
Charity
Now, here are the things I can use:
Support
Understanding
Prayer
Got it? Good.
How long since I last updated? Oh, crikey. Well, I’ve never been accused of being regular about it for certain. Last time I checked it I believe I was jobless and living with my brother and SIL (again) and none of us were happy about it. I wanted to go to school and get my degree in Graphic Design but SiL just wanted me out from under her roof as she was not a charitable institution (and I was having no luck in finding suitable employment despite my concerted efforts at doing so). It didn’t matter that I was jobless and my options were nonexistent; she wanted me out. I decided that although Muskogee was far away and there’s always been something skeevy a bout my uncle, that living with my grandfather for the time being was better than being homeless.
Thus, on Thanksgiving Day, I was dropped off; the proverbial problem shifted to someone else. I was determined, more than ever, to not only pull myself to my feet, but to learn once and for all how to put a stop to my chronic issues with job loss and my seeming inability to live independently. I know that my disorder has a great deal to do with it, and one of the key issues I plan to address with my therapist is my severe lack of basic life skills (i.e. budgeting, household management, etc- these are things I guess most people just learn through trial and error, but I have never managed to pick up on).
IT didn’t take long for this living arrangement to go straight downhill. My grandpa is an all right guy (slightly senile, hard of hearing and all, but his heart’s in the right place). The cousin I could take or leave. Once again the issue at hand was my slime ball uncle. Granted, he saw the accident that killed his mother and sister. He was five at the time. It was nothing a little boy shoulf see, and I am certain he’s still deeply wounded by it. However, he refuses to seek help for it, and as the saying goes- you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. The man has over forty years of experience manipulating people into getting what he wants out of them that seeking help may endanger those long-standing behaviors.
I’m not going into details here. I’m not comfortable having them for the world to see; I’ve already shared them with the people that need to know. Just suffice it to say that I was subjected to a great deal of emotional abuse and inappropriate comments/behavior at his hands while I lived there, for a total of 22 days. My final straw was the day after the Glenn Beck Christmas Show. I don’t know what got up his nose, but I simply asked him why he had to be so nasty to me and that set him off. After an emotional exhausting exchange, I grabbed my purse and coat and fled for my church. I told my priest what was going on and he advised me to get out of there as soon as possible. I left the church with the intention of calling my brother collect from the nearest payphone. Instead I flagged a police car down and explained that I had fled from home for my personal safety. They agreed to try to contact Jason. When that failed they arranged for me to stay at a shelter for abused women. As of today (12/22/2007) I am still here and will remain here until 01/17/08.
My game plan is to attend Tulsa University. I hope I can still squeak in under the admissions deadlines for the spring semester. If not I will shoot for plan B. I will also try to find some sort of job here and save up a bit of money so that I can afford a place on my own.
I’m okay, though. I lived through this. I guess I can live through anything.

*UPDATE 01/05/2008*
Christmas was nice enough, considering that I was far from my family, and that I had to spend it amongst strangers. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my family has no sympathy for the fact that I've been through something so traumatic and they still feel that I should just deal with it myself. They made good on their promise to cast me off, it seems.
So be it.
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm fed up. I'm trying to get my act together here and the people who are supposed to be my support system are bailing on me in my time of need. To be discarded like a piece of used Kleenex hurts more than I can really express. I may be flawed but I am a human being.
What is all of this supposed to teach me? I can only be so optimistic before I just completely lose it. I feel completely alone here and unsure of what to do.
Sorry for all the whining. Check back later for my usual optimism.

Afterglow (original date 12/14/2007)

What a glorious, wonderful night!!!
I’m sitting in a Tulsa IHOP eating a spinach and mushroom omelet with pancakes (all five syrups tyvm). I just got out of the GB Christmas Show at the Mabee Center. Words fail me for just how wonderful it was! I seriously laughed and cried the entire time. OMG if I ever meet that man I am so hugging him (if security lets me… damned Ron Paul supporting wackjobs make me sad).
I was in such a hurry to grow up from the time I was 8 that it’s a miracle that my childlike sense of wonder remained intact. Now I’m doing all I can to make sure it survives. (Hence all the syrups.)
Glenn Beck is such an inspiration. The Church won’t recognize his sainthood. Ah well. Their loss. I know where it’s at and where he’ll be- his light shines too brightly not to. I want my light to shine too.