6.29.2007

17 Days

Our state has broken a record for most days of consecutive rainfall.

I wonder if this has anything to do with my recent bout of depression. I'd be surprised if most of Oklahoma isn't depressed by now.

Not that we're not grateful, because it's normally very dry this time of year, and our greenery is lush, but I'm really tired of the mosquitoes.

Oh, and for now I'm off the meds because I think the dosage is too strong and I'm a little too zombified. I have a appointment in a couple of weeks; I'll see if I can't get the dosages adjusted.

6.24.2007

I'm a little torn as to whether or not I want to share this with you guys. I know that some of the people in my life will accuse me of simply seeking attention or pity. I've thought it over and that's really not what I want.

Actually, I am NOT inclined to share this, because of our society's views on mental illness. I don't want to be shunned, or deemed less competent, or really viewed any differently than before. I know I have no control over how others feel.

Thursday afternoon, I checked myself into St. Anthony's Psychiatric Unit because I felt that I was a possible danger to myself. While driving my brother's truck, I was possessed of the urge to drive it into a retaining wall; the only reason i didn't was because it wasn't my vehicle. I know that I have mood swings that can be categorized as hypomanic and depressive; I also engage in self-destructive behavior. Some of it may be caused by factor in my life like loneliness and stress, but my family history is riddled with depressive disorders.

I was released yesterday after 46 hours of observation; I've been prescribed Topamax (mood swings), Lexapro (depression), and something for high blood pressure. I have an appointment at an outpatient clinic tomorrow morning. I hope I still have a job after all of this- I only got my HR person's voicemail.

I am deeply grateful for the support of my brother and of my friend Alysha- I don't know how I would have made it through this without them.

6.19.2007

Important Notice from Blogstress*

(*'Blogstress' is a made-up word. I do this all the time.)



It may seem to some of you that know me personally that I've dropped off the radar. Before the frantic phone calls and emails begin, please, for the love of tube socks, let me explain myself.

I am taking some time away from the vast majority of my extracurricular activities. This includes Choir, RCIA, and Bible Study. It is not that I dislike these pursuits- not in the least. It's more that I have decided that a lot of things in my life need to change- very important things. My finances are a mess, and have been since I was 19. I need to get those in order before I discern any kind of vocation. Also, my mental and physical well-being is becoming more of a concern with every passing day. I really, really need to get myself checked out. I can tell you right now that I'm overweight and that probably has something to do with my high blood pressure. Also, my family history is riddled with mental illness and heart trouble.

It could be argued that I need these pursuits in my life to give me something to enjoy. I don't necessarily disagree, and I certainly have no intention of giving them up permanently. However, my energy at this time (emotionally anyway) is really limited, and after much reflection I feel that I need to reserve it for taking care of business, and taking care of myself.

Please, please, PLEASE do not worry about me. I don't need to be worried about. Pray for me all you like- I will pray for you all as well.

Sorry it took so long to blog- I've been slowly working my way out of a funk for the past couple of weeks.

(Yes, I did say 'for the love of tube socks'. What?)

6.07.2007

I saw this on SoonerScotty’s blog and have been itching to gank it for my own purposes. So, here goes.

Apparently, the first 50 are kind of a life story, while the other 50 are random. Oh, and it’s supposed to be harder than it looks.

1. I was born October 4, 1975, in Oklahoma City, OK.
2. I’m the oldest of three children, though I wasn’t aware of the third child (a half- sister) until 1999.
3. My parents were married for about a year before I was born, but they split up pretty quickly. – so quickly that the conception of my brother was a real surprise.
4. My dad disappeared soon thereafter, leaving my mom to raise us alone.
5. My mom, Susan, was kind of a hippie-dippy partier until July 1979, when she joined the Southern Baptist church.
6. She was a high school dropout; she got her GED and eventually finished college (the only member of my family so far to do so).
7. We lived in Midwest City, OK from January 1977 until January 1985.
8. Jason (my brother) and I attended Willow Brook Elementary; the entire area is considered to be one of the worst parts of town now.
9. My mom wanted to break out of retail management into the Christian music business, so we moved to Nashville, TN in January 1985; she took a clerical job at StarSong, which at the time was a fairly prominent Christian label (though I understand it was absorbed into Sparrow in the late 90’s).
10. Nashville was cool, but Mom didn’t get discovered, so after she was laid off we moved back to Midwest City.
12. We settled into a neighborhood (now considered ‘cracktown’) between Midwest City and Del City; I would graduate from Del City High School in 1994.
13. I attended the University of Central Oklahoma for a year (at my mom’s behest- I wanted to join the Air Force), and I promptly flunked out after discovering marijuana.
14. I took up a summer job at McDonald’s and wound up staying there almost two years (until I realized that I would never get promoted).
15. I lived on my own for about a year, but after my apartment got broken into I moved back home.
16. I made another attempt at school, but once again I was more interested in having fun and chilling out than in actually attending class.
17. I worked retail in this time frame as well, then back to foodservice.
18. My mom was a grad student at Oklahoma City University in the fall of 1997; we all thought that once she finished her master’s that she would finally be a lot closer to self-actualization, or at least doing what she wanted to do as opposed to having to accommodate two kids like she’d been doing for more than 20 years.
19. She didn’t get the chance, though- she had some kind of medical episode at school; she lost consciousness and her heart stopped for a long time.
20. She was rushed to St. Anthony Hospital, and her heart was restarted, but the brain damage was deemed to be too extensive for her to ever regain consciousness.
21. A year before this all went down, she had made it clear to Jason and myself that if such a thing were to ever happen to her, that she didn’t want any extraordinary measures taken to save her life; she didn’t want to spend her days ‘a vegetable hooked up to machines’.
22. Jason and I, at the ages of 20 and 22 respectively, were faced with the decision of taking our Mom- a strong, clever, deeply spiritual, highly intelligent, creative woman bursting with tremendous potential- off of life support because she had made us promise to do so.
23. She died on December 4, 1997, at the age of 41, of something called a myocardial infarction.
24. There is so much about the whole situation that I regret- I wish I’d told her I loved her a lot more often than I did, and I wish I hadn’t taken her for granted, and I often wonder, as I get older, what she’d think of the way that I’m turning out.
25. I didn’t cope well with it either- I turned to drugs and booze to avoid feeling anything about it because I was scared of a life without my mother- I didn’t know what I was going to do.
26. I maintained the boozing/doping/slacking off for about a year and a half, until an arrest for shoplifting in 1999 (which given my habits I’m lucky that’s all I got in trouble for- good thing I didn’t have any weed on me).
27. That was rock bottom for me. I spent the night in that jail cell weeping and praying and asking myself how things had come to this- how had I become this person who spent her days in a drunken/stoned stupor, not caring about anyone including myself?
28. Not that I changed a great deal, but I quit hanging around with that crowd and moved in with my brother.
29. I even went to church for the first time in years.
30. I met a guy named Eric around this time; he seemed really nice but he was completely in love with this girl who would never, ever have him.
31. He gave up on her and moved on to me; we dated for six months, then became engaged.
32. That lasted for almost a year, until I realized that his infatuation with Wicca was serious; that he was emotionally abusive, possessive, and hostile; that a marriage would never work out.
33. I was back in college again at the time; I did manage to pass a couple of my classes, but Eric did not take kindly to being bumped and he made my life miserable for a couple of months.
34. While I was in college, I met my friend Theresa, who took me and my future sister-in-law out on a hayride with the college group at St. Thomas More; I really enjoyed it.
35. Theresa invited me to College night a couple of weeks later; that was my first mass.
36. For the first time, I felt like I was home.
37. I kept going to Mass with Theresa, and I went on a retreat in 2002 that changed my life and made me determined to join the Church; I stopped going to church and dropped out of RCIA, though, because of family pressure and fear.
38. I got into another long, ill-fated relationship and started working for RadioShack- if I hadn’t been unfairly fired in 2005, who knows what would have become of me (trust me, that DM did me a favor).
39. I decided to break out of retail and into clerical work, and I went to business school (and, for once, did really well).
40. My brother came to me with lots of questions about my near-brush with Catholicism, then shocked me by stating his intentio to convert; in shock, I decided that the best way to show support was to convert with him.
41. We tried a few churches, then came across St. John the Baptist and knew that this was the place that we had to be.
42. We joined RCIA at St. John’s, and learned a great deal aboout Catholicism and Christianity.
43. Some nights, I did not want to go to RCIA; some days, I didn’t want to convert because I knew that I’d have to change, and I was scared.
44. I finished what I had started, and came into full communiion with the Catholic Church on April 16, 2006.
45. A few weeks later I was reading about the shortage of vocations to the religioous life; I heard the voice in my head telling me that this message was for me, and though I tried to resist, I finally said to myself that I’d become a sister if that was what God’s will was for me.
46. I was filled with such a strong sense of joy that it was like electric shock; I remember getting off the couch, pacing the room, and sliding down the wall while laughing deliriously.
47. I went on a vocations retreat in Tulsa in August, and it was awesome.
48. I currently work at an office in Edmond, and will do so until I start school in August.
49. I plan to finish college with a degree in Elementary Education; I am also in the choir at St. John’s, as well as involved in the RCIA.
50. I thank God for being alive, and I look forward to the day I take vows (if it’s God’s will).
51. Ok, random facts: I obviously love to write.
52. I hate onions and peppers, but love mushrooms.
53. I hate my job, but that’s probably because I can’t wait to be doing what I’m really supposed to be doing.
54. My best subjects in high school were French and Psychology; my worst was Math.
55. I love cats; I miss having one.
56. My favorite pastime ever is reading.
56. When the new Harry Potter book comes out, I will clear my weekend (except for Mass), and will not be taking phone calls.
57. I used to enjoy karaoke, but not so much anymore.
58. I love Guitar Hero, though.
59. My favorite bands are The Who, They Might Be Giants, and The Ramones.
60. I have a mad crush on Kevin Spacey.
61. I need to eat a more balanced diet.
62. I’ve started exercising, though.
63. I prefer wine to beer.
64. I’m not a heavy drinker anymore, mostly because the hangovers are too much for me to cope with.
65. I don’t give a rat’s you-know-what about sports.
66. I watch less than 3 hours of TV a week.
67. I’m a rabid Anglophile.
68. I can cook, not brilliantly, but passably enough.
69. My favorite restaurant is Ted’s Escondito.
70. I used to crave fame, but lately not so much.
71. I drive a 1990 Mazda 626, and I have mixed feelings about it.
72. I’ve been blogging for about 5 years now, but I’m too embarrassed about my other blogs to tell you where to find them.
73. I’m also guilty of some seriously crappy Daria fan fiction (I still miss that show).
74. My dream car is a Mini.
75. My hair has been blonde, red, purple, and green.
76. I have decided not to get a tatoo, because I am a pain wimp.
77. I’m so vain it’s ridiculous; I put way too much effort into putting together an outfit sometimes.
78. I still read the Oklahoma Gazette (even though I probably shouldn’t).
79. Social situations used to terrify me so much that I’d avoid them.
80. I didn’t attend my high school reunion because I was ashamed of having gained a lot of weight.
81. I’m way too self-critical.
82. I had an article published on a webzine called Busted Halo.
83. Nobody believes that I'm in my 30's when I first tell them; yesterday, one of my co-workers kept insisting that I was kidding until I showed her my driver's license.
84. I'm incredibly disorganized- I'm like a black hole for personal belongings.
85. Jason says I ought to learn how to play the bass, so I probably will.
86. I'd rather play the drums, though, like Keith Moon (who was really cute back in the day, IMHO), b/c Keith Moon is/was awesome.
87. I pray for Keith Moon's soul, and for my dad's.
88. My mom's side of the family has an extensive history of mental illness and heart trouble; this worries me to no end, since I know how not normal I am and how poorly I've taken care of myself over the past 14 years or so.
89. I'm having trouble coming up with stuff for this list, which surprises me since I love to talk about myself like I'm amusing or something.
90. Get Fuzzy is my favorite comic strip.
91. I have started about 15 novels in as many years; not a one has come anywhere near completion.
92. I really want to go to Europe.
93. I hate politics- it's something that seems to make people very angry and argumentative; of course I care about the world around me, but I refuse to invest myself emotionally in politics.
94. I have been blissfully crush-free for almost a year now- for the first time in a long time.
95. I really hope that I can make a difference in my lifetime.
96. I need to write to my family and friends more often.
97. I can't wait until I start school.
98. If you're still reading this, I commend your bravery.
99. I love hot English tea.
100. Yay, I'm finally done( and will probably think of really cool things to add to this later) !
After rehearsal last night, the choir went down to the rectory to celebrate Fr. Dan's birthday with him. It was completely interesting, to say the least. Allow me to share some observations:

* St. John's rectory is superduperfreakin' SWEET. Seriously. That is one seriously nice pad. Kudos to whoever decorated it.

* It's so odd to see Fr. Dan and Fr. John in street clothes (as opposed to the typical all-black with the collar).

* Fr. John was hilarious last night. He gave Fr. Dan a basket of gag gifts. We all laughed hysterically. It kinda lends credence to my therory about how priests interact with each other. After all, they may be holy, but they're still men, and if you get enough men together they act goofy.

* The choir is a very fun bunch.

* Fr. Dan, in the presence of the choir, will say just about anything.

Oh, and in case you guys are interested, I've actually posted to my other blog, and plan to do so again soon.

6.06.2007

Brief Update

Sunday- went out of town. Nothing extraordinary- just rescued more of my stuff from Muskogee. Oh, and moved my furniture a bit.

Monday- all that furniture-moving made me hurt my back so badly that I could barely get out of bed for the rest of the day. Also, can't seem to set my computer up to run high-speed internet.

Tuesday- Work, then Bible study with friends. RCIA afterwards. I know I'm not a "Bible Study" kinda gal, but maybe I should be.

Today- Choir practice after work. First need to take RCIA CD to Jason and see if he can fix it.

Later.

6.02.2007

Unusual week, topped off by a delightful evening.

My job duties have drastically changed as of this week. Not sure how I feel about it. I just found out I have spent 3 months not knowing how to do my job. Yeah. Not really a happy camper, but whatever.

The anniversary bash for Fr. John went well. We had a lot of visitors. He said he liked our little musical number. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

Tonight was the anniversary of Fr. Dan's ordination (which I did witness, thank you very much). It was a lower-key do, but a few of us (Fr. Dan included) hung out afterwards. Lots of fun. Did I mention that I love being in choir?