Still looking for a new job. The temp work isn't going well either but I get a lot of interview requests so maybe something will pan out.
Oh, and I've got a side gig hosting karaoke.
Maybe this is God's way of saying "Go back to school already!!!"
So, apparently my temp assignment has been extended b/c I am teh shizz. (Not dignified but I have a lot to catch up on.)
Surveys are a mixed bag. A lot of ppl don't want to talk to us. But when I do get takers the work is interesting- they like to talk about what they do and it's prob. somewhat against regulations but I enjoy it. Sometimes I am half tempted to start doing these in my patented (and totally hawt) British accent, but I sit right next to my supervisor and somehow I think she'd probably be less inclined to believe me to be teh shizz. I'm actually off early, believe it or not- our system got hit by a virus.
Last night turned out to be super cool- Flat Glenn is is town. (Ever hear of Flat Stanley? If not, Google it.) Same concept, except there's only one Flat Glenn (Beck, of course), and he's practically a celebrity. He's traveling the country (next stop Tulsa) and he happens to be in OKC this week. His host, Carol (another Glenn Beck Insider), took me out to dinner at Abuelos in Bricktown; afterwards we got some really killer shots of FG with some cool-lookin' pained buffalo statues.
Big weekend planned- going to Bricktown this Sunday for a mini Insider convention (after Mass, of course)- basically, we're gonna meet each other in real life, take pics, eat at Toby Keith's, and putz around taking pictures for the scrapbook.
Okay. Okay. Stupid thing to whine about. I'm sorry.
Oh well. I have mad plans for fun today.
PS- To my Catholic peeps: Happy feast day of St. Francis of Assisi. (He's my patron saint.)
Seriously. I've been working since 1993, and have been paying into Social Security since then as well. I don't WANT the government to take care of me in my old age- I'm planning for my own retirement; I've never quite trusted the government as it is.
Hey, SSI- I want my money back, you weasels.
My only excuse is that I signed up for the Glenn Beck Insider and I spend almost all of my Internet time on the message boards over there. It's like crack, I swear. The boards alone are worth the $6.95 a month (although the audio archives have some seriously sweet goodies as well). Oh, and there's the Webcam. And the Stu (Executive Producer) Show, which is pure goodness as well.
Let's see, so much to talk about...
Well, first of all, there is the whole brouhaha over President Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia University. Yeah, guys. Really smooth move. I may be a semi-educated Okie but I would NOT have permitted that in the least, given his views on women and homosexuals, not to mention Americans. "Diversity of viewpoint" my butt- this was an extremely poorly calculated PR move. I have no idea what you guys were trying to prove, but a lot of Americans are very, very upset. Trust me, I wish I had kids so that I could forbid them to attend Columbia.
And then of course there's Ahmadinejad himself. If he wants to start a bloody jihad on us, then why does he bother coming over here to play nice- so he can have some PR footage for Al Jazeera making it look like he tried to give us options before coming over to wreak havoc? He's not fooling anyone.
And don't even get me started on Hillary Care. I already pay enough of my rather pitiful income toward taxes- I can't afford to pay more. God help us if she wins. (That and I honestly believe she has little moral values and something up her sleeve.)
Oh, yeah, and I bet y'all want to know what's up with my personal life. Let's see... I'll never have a gay roommate again (NOTHING against gay people at all, but most are just too tidy to deal with my happy, sloppy, conservative butt). Oh, and MIN finally hacked me off to the point of no return, so I called my old temp agency, who are glad to have me back. Also, I went on an interview yesterday and have two other people who want to set up interviews this week. So, MIN can eat it. They got my 2 weeks and told me to take my stuff with me, thanks. Whatever. That 2 weeks was one of the nicest, most professionally written things ever.
That's pretty much it for now. Check ya later. (But not too much later.)
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.
Work: Ugh. Where do I begin? It seems a personality conflict has arisen between myself and my direct supervisor. A casual conversation between myself(A) and another employee (B) resulted in a written disciplinary action for me. For my bad attitude. Because another employee (C)overheard my conversation and went running to my supervisor (D). D pulled me into a conference room and spent fifteen or twenty minutes berating me for my inappropriate remarks towards B. (All I had done was express surprise that B, whose job involves a lot of travel, was physically present, as I has not seen her come in. I'm on friendly terms with B, for Pete's sake.) D claimed that B was very upset with me and that my job was not entirely safe.
When I went to apologize to B, she took me aside and explained that she wasn't angry with me; it was just that C had not misconstrued my remarks and said something to D, who decided that that was inappropriate of me. She's had problems with me before- I'd written some oddball things relating to work (frustrated, silly, but harmless and not profane) on Post-its and stuck them on my monitor. She took them as personal slights (they weren't directed to her or the company) and made me remove them. It could have been that , or the fact that when I was transferred to her department I was entirely underqulaified to do so, but I think she's been gunning for me, and I've been ignorant of it until now.
Anyway, B warned me to be very careful of what I say and who I say it to- there's no telling who's listening. Good grief. It's not a workplace- it's a dysfunctional family.
I've sent my resume to about fifteen or so people so far and have gotten in touch with my old temp agency.
Church: That's going well! Choir is back in full swing, and so is RCIA. I'm looking forward to the Stewardship Fair in a couple of weeks.
Home life: Pretty happy with that. The roomie and I get along pretty well. He's generous and does not pry, and I'm sure I'll get used to the occasional houseful of gay party refugees. (We have quite the party pad indeed- huge back yard, pool table, piano- we're the hang-out house.)
Discernment: You'll notice I haven't really mentioned that in a while. That's because I wasn't sure what was to become of that since my hospitalization. I took it up with Fr. Rex, who said that the best course of action was to see how I adjusted to meds and treatment, but that I wouldn't be the first person to enter religious life with a mental illness. Besides, I do hold down a job and interact with people. Also, I should bear in mind the community I choose. So, I am still very much discerning religious life, only with an added factor.
Diagnosis (working): Bipolar II.
Meds: Increasing dosage a teeny bit. Still working quite well.
Other: Gave Fr. Rex a Monty Python Killer Bunny for his birthday. Apparently it went over really well. Interest in own appearance has extended to painting my toenails for the first time since I broke up with Dave about 3 years ago.
Big to-do at the church, so I'd better scoot.
Still thirsty- I drink anywhere from 1/2 10 a gallon of water, iced tea or juice in a day. Can't drink soda or anything carbonated anymore- it goes flat as soon as it hits my tongue. Ick. No more soda (diet or no). No more beer (big fat whoop there), no more champagne- but the doc put the kibosh on alcohol anyway (outside of what I take in whilst partaking of the Eucharist).
I'm eating @ 3 fairly balanced meals a day. I crave fruit and lettuce. I ate one brownie at RCIA last night and it was just too dang much for me. (And Ann Morris make the best brownies ever.) Milk chocolate makes me gag. As a matter of fact, my sweet tooth has all but completely left me. I can do a teeny bit of very dark chocolate and that's about it. And since I eat less, I take a multivitamin with my a.m. meds just in case I'm not getting enough nutrients. So far I feel just fine. In fact I feel better than I have in years (this weekend's ear infection notwithstanding).
As a result of the less voracious appetite, the decreased sugar, and the majorly increased water, I have lost at least 8 pounds in the last 3 weeks. (Maybe more.) My memory problems are pretty much back to what they've always been, my concentration at work is somewhat better, my attention to detail is a LOT better. Heck, my room is actually clean. My sup. is happy with my recent job performance. I think it's safe to say the meds are working- the side effects I do have are livable, and it's nice to be able to have a grip on my anger/sadness/giddiness, and, to some extent, compulsiveness. At least I have gotten a lot better at stopping and thinking about something before acting upon it.
Church is good. Life is good. I'm adjusting well to my new living situation. James is nice, and Noah (the Lab) is good natured and very enthusiastic.
Ok. Seriously, I need to get going. Cheers.
Things since Thursday, med-wise, have seriously improved. My head cleared up a lot. It's kind of like my brain is under construction. The first week or so was slow going because traffic had to learn to adapt to what was going on. Now it seems that, although there are still some delays, they're quite manageable.
Today so far has been great. Not remotely sleepy, though my appetite's been zapped. (I'll probably be ravenous here in the next hour or so. Betcha anything I crave peanut butter.) And I still am crazy thirsty (two 32-oz iced teas and a liter of water so far, plus at least another liter before I go to bed... yes, I get up at least a couple of times a night).
Of course, Glenn Beck is on vacay this week. Good for him, and I sincerely hope he enjoys his time off and gets his batteries recharged. I'll be looking forward to the 15th, though. And I hope he supports his new book with a tour. :)
It's about time we had a voice of reason in these parts.
Surprisingly enough, it was Jason who turned me on to his show. He lent me his book, The Real America. I'm about halfway through it and it's just amazing.
I wish he'd run for President but somehow I don't think that would happen.
Other than that still good. No serious outbursts. Had a serious setback this week- the friend that I was having issues with is no longer speaking to me. Yes, I'm hurt but then again I have much bigger issues to deal with than trying to reason with the unreasonable.
Went back to RCIA this week. :)
Fifteen years ago, I was preparing to enter the 11th grade at Del City High School in Del City, OK. My family had moved to a larger, nicer rental, and were down to 3 cats. My best friend, Jennifer Maddox, was about to move to Alabama right about this time. I still miss her to this day. (1992)
Ten years ago, I was living with my family on the north side of Oklahoma City. I worked at McDonald's and did little else. That was really my last summer of any real happiness- my mom would be dead within six months. (1997)
Five years ago, I was working my crummy fast-food job again and hoping I could do better with my life somehow.(2002)
Last year, I was in the last weeks of my triumphant run at business school. (2006)
Yesterday, I went to work, then spent the evening with my brother and my sister-in-law.
Today, I'll probably take it easy and go to confession.
Tomorrow, I need to go to Mass.
So, it seems the tentative diagnosis is bipolar II. I'm back on the Topamax and Lexapro (albeit at lower dosages and at different intervals). I'm a little spacey but still perfectly functional. (Oh, and by the bye, I hope nobody's offended by my discussing my issues with my mental health. I'm certainly not bragging about being treated for a mental illness. Matter of fact, it's something I'd normally try not to mention at all, but that kind of thinking is what keeps it a stigma to begin with.)
Yeah, I made the mistake of blogging about my situation elsewhere and received a rather snippy message from one of my RL friends saying that it's "really f***ing uncool to go bragging about your meds on MySpace and Xanga, FYI". Um..... ooooookay. If I were a diabetic who mentioned that I were being treated appropriately for it, would this be construed as bragging? How is this different?
Ugh. Why do I let her get to me? She's very unhappy with some things in her life tight now and I should just let it go.
So, anyway, all is pretty well for me right now. I have another appointment in August where I suppose the tentative diagnosis will be confirmed. Oh, and I'm driving again- Jason helped me buy a 1989 Dodge Dynasty with 65,000 miles on it. (If I don't like it in a year I'm trading it in for a Toyota.) I'm having a difficult time adjusting to driving an automatic after all these years of manuals.
I'm still at MIN, and I plan to stay there a while until my health stabilizes- mental and physical. I honestly don't know what all this means in regard to my discernment- I keep meaning to talk to Deacon John about it but I keep forgetting to shoot him an email.
I wonder if this has anything to do with my recent bout of depression. I'd be surprised if most of Oklahoma isn't depressed by now.
Not that we're not grateful, because it's normally very dry this time of year, and our greenery is lush, but I'm really tired of the mosquitoes.
Oh, and for now I'm off the meds because I think the dosage is too strong and I'm a little too zombified. I have a appointment in a couple of weeks; I'll see if I can't get the dosages adjusted.
Actually, I am NOT inclined to share this, because of our society's views on mental illness. I don't want to be shunned, or deemed less competent, or really viewed any differently than before. I know I have no control over how others feel.
Thursday afternoon, I checked myself into St. Anthony's Psychiatric Unit because I felt that I was a possible danger to myself. While driving my brother's truck, I was possessed of the urge to drive it into a retaining wall; the only reason i didn't was because it wasn't my vehicle. I know that I have mood swings that can be categorized as hypomanic and depressive; I also engage in self-destructive behavior. Some of it may be caused by factor in my life like loneliness and stress, but my family history is riddled with depressive disorders.
I was released yesterday after 46 hours of observation; I've been prescribed Topamax (mood swings), Lexapro (depression), and something for high blood pressure. I have an appointment at an outpatient clinic tomorrow morning. I hope I still have a job after all of this- I only got my HR person's voicemail.
I am deeply grateful for the support of my brother and of my friend Alysha- I don't know how I would have made it through this without them.
It may seem to some of you that know me personally that I've dropped off the radar. Before the frantic phone calls and emails begin, please, for the love of tube socks, let me explain myself.
I am taking some time away from the vast majority of my extracurricular activities. This includes Choir, RCIA, and Bible Study. It is not that I dislike these pursuits- not in the least. It's more that I have decided that a lot of things in my life need to change- very important things. My finances are a mess, and have been since I was 19. I need to get those in order before I discern any kind of vocation. Also, my mental and physical well-being is becoming more of a concern with every passing day. I really, really need to get myself checked out. I can tell you right now that I'm overweight and that probably has something to do with my high blood pressure. Also, my family history is riddled with mental illness and heart trouble.
It could be argued that I need these pursuits in my life to give me something to enjoy. I don't necessarily disagree, and I certainly have no intention of giving them up permanently. However, my energy at this time (emotionally anyway) is really limited, and after much reflection I feel that I need to reserve it for taking care of business, and taking care of myself.
Please, please, PLEASE do not worry about me. I don't need to be worried about. Pray for me all you like- I will pray for you all as well.
Sorry it took so long to blog- I've been slowly working my way out of a funk for the past couple of weeks.
(Yes, I did say 'for the love of tube socks'. What?)
Apparently, the first 50 are kind of a life story, while the other 50 are random. Oh, and it’s supposed to be harder than it looks.
1. I was born October 4, 1975, in Oklahoma City, OK.
2. I’m the oldest of three children, though I wasn’t aware of the third child (a half- sister) until 1999.
3. My parents were married for about a year before I was born, but they split up pretty quickly. – so quickly that the conception of my brother was a real surprise.
4. My dad disappeared soon thereafter, leaving my mom to raise us alone.
5. My mom, Susan, was kind of a hippie-dippy partier until July 1979, when she joined the Southern Baptist church.
6. She was a high school dropout; she got her GED and eventually finished college (the only member of my family so far to do so).
7. We lived in Midwest City, OK from January 1977 until January 1985.
8. Jason (my brother) and I attended Willow Brook Elementary; the entire area is considered to be one of the worst parts of town now.
9. My mom wanted to break out of retail management into the Christian music business, so we moved to Nashville, TN in January 1985; she took a clerical job at StarSong, which at the time was a fairly prominent Christian label (though I understand it was absorbed into Sparrow in the late 90’s).
10. Nashville was cool, but Mom didn’t get discovered, so after she was laid off we moved back to Midwest City.
12. We settled into a neighborhood (now considered ‘cracktown’) between Midwest City and Del City; I would graduate from Del City High School in 1994.
13. I attended the University of Central Oklahoma for a year (at my mom’s behest- I wanted to join the Air Force), and I promptly flunked out after discovering marijuana.
14. I took up a summer job at McDonald’s and wound up staying there almost two years (until I realized that I would never get promoted).
15. I lived on my own for about a year, but after my apartment got broken into I moved back home.
16. I made another attempt at school, but once again I was more interested in having fun and chilling out than in actually attending class.
17. I worked retail in this time frame as well, then back to foodservice.
18. My mom was a grad student at Oklahoma City University in the fall of 1997; we all thought that once she finished her master’s that she would finally be a lot closer to self-actualization, or at least doing what she wanted to do as opposed to having to accommodate two kids like she’d been doing for more than 20 years.
19. She didn’t get the chance, though- she had some kind of medical episode at school; she lost consciousness and her heart stopped for a long time.
20. She was rushed to St. Anthony Hospital, and her heart was restarted, but the brain damage was deemed to be too extensive for her to ever regain consciousness.
21. A year before this all went down, she had made it clear to Jason and myself that if such a thing were to ever happen to her, that she didn’t want any extraordinary measures taken to save her life; she didn’t want to spend her days ‘a vegetable hooked up to machines’.
22. Jason and I, at the ages of 20 and 22 respectively, were faced with the decision of taking our Mom- a strong, clever, deeply spiritual, highly intelligent, creative woman bursting with tremendous potential- off of life support because she had made us promise to do so.
23. She died on December 4, 1997, at the age of 41, of something called a myocardial infarction.
24. There is so much about the whole situation that I regret- I wish I’d told her I loved her a lot more often than I did, and I wish I hadn’t taken her for granted, and I often wonder, as I get older, what she’d think of the way that I’m turning out.
25. I didn’t cope well with it either- I turned to drugs and booze to avoid feeling anything about it because I was scared of a life without my mother- I didn’t know what I was going to do.
26. I maintained the boozing/doping/slacking off for about a year and a half, until an arrest for shoplifting in 1999 (which given my habits I’m lucky that’s all I got in trouble for- good thing I didn’t have any weed on me).
27. That was rock bottom for me. I spent the night in that jail cell weeping and praying and asking myself how things had come to this- how had I become this person who spent her days in a drunken/stoned stupor, not caring about anyone including myself?
28. Not that I changed a great deal, but I quit hanging around with that crowd and moved in with my brother.
29. I even went to church for the first time in years.
30. I met a guy named Eric around this time; he seemed really nice but he was completely in love with this girl who would never, ever have him.
31. He gave up on her and moved on to me; we dated for six months, then became engaged.
32. That lasted for almost a year, until I realized that his infatuation with Wicca was serious; that he was emotionally abusive, possessive, and hostile; that a marriage would never work out.
33. I was back in college again at the time; I did manage to pass a couple of my classes, but Eric did not take kindly to being bumped and he made my life miserable for a couple of months.
34. While I was in college, I met my friend Theresa, who took me and my future sister-in-law out on a hayride with the college group at St. Thomas More; I really enjoyed it.
35. Theresa invited me to College night a couple of weeks later; that was my first mass.
36. For the first time, I felt like I was home.
37. I kept going to Mass with Theresa, and I went on a retreat in 2002 that changed my life and made me determined to join the Church; I stopped going to church and dropped out of RCIA, though, because of family pressure and fear.
38. I got into another long, ill-fated relationship and started working for RadioShack- if I hadn’t been unfairly fired in 2005, who knows what would have become of me (trust me, that DM did me a favor).
39. I decided to break out of retail and into clerical work, and I went to business school (and, for once, did really well).
40. My brother came to me with lots of questions about my near-brush with Catholicism, then shocked me by stating his intentio to convert; in shock, I decided that the best way to show support was to convert with him.
41. We tried a few churches, then came across St. John the Baptist and knew that this was the place that we had to be.
42. We joined RCIA at St. John’s, and learned a great deal aboout Catholicism and Christianity.
43. Some nights, I did not want to go to RCIA; some days, I didn’t want to convert because I knew that I’d have to change, and I was scared.
44. I finished what I had started, and came into full communiion with the Catholic Church on April 16, 2006.
45. A few weeks later I was reading about the shortage of vocations to the religioous life; I heard the voice in my head telling me that this message was for me, and though I tried to resist, I finally said to myself that I’d become a sister if that was what God’s will was for me.
46. I was filled with such a strong sense of joy that it was like electric shock; I remember getting off the couch, pacing the room, and sliding down the wall while laughing deliriously.
47. I went on a vocations retreat in Tulsa in August, and it was awesome.
48. I currently work at an office in Edmond, and will do so until I start school in August.
49. I plan to finish college with a degree in Elementary Education; I am also in the choir at St. John’s, as well as involved in the RCIA.
50. I thank God for being alive, and I look forward to the day I take vows (if it’s God’s will).
51. Ok, random facts: I obviously love to write.
52. I hate onions and peppers, but love mushrooms.
53. I hate my job, but that’s probably because I can’t wait to be doing what I’m really supposed to be doing.
54. My best subjects in high school were French and Psychology; my worst was Math.
55. I love cats; I miss having one.
56. My favorite pastime ever is reading.
56. When the new Harry Potter book comes out, I will clear my weekend (except for Mass), and will not be taking phone calls.
57. I used to enjoy karaoke, but not so much anymore.
58. I love Guitar Hero, though.
59. My favorite bands are The Who, They Might Be Giants, and The Ramones.
60. I have a mad crush on Kevin Spacey.
61. I need to eat a more balanced diet.
62. I’ve started exercising, though.
63. I prefer wine to beer.
64. I’m not a heavy drinker anymore, mostly because the hangovers are too much for me to cope with.
65. I don’t give a rat’s you-know-what about sports.
66. I watch less than 3 hours of TV a week.
67. I’m a rabid Anglophile.
68. I can cook, not brilliantly, but passably enough.
69. My favorite restaurant is Ted’s Escondito.
70. I used to crave fame, but lately not so much.
71. I drive a 1990 Mazda 626, and I have mixed feelings about it.
72. I’ve been blogging for about 5 years now, but I’m too embarrassed about my other blogs to tell you where to find them.
73. I’m also guilty of some seriously crappy Daria fan fiction (I still miss that show).
74. My dream car is a Mini.
75. My hair has been blonde, red, purple, and green.
76. I have decided not to get a tatoo, because I am a pain wimp.
77. I’m so vain it’s ridiculous; I put way too much effort into putting together an outfit sometimes.
78. I still read the Oklahoma Gazette (even though I probably shouldn’t).
79. Social situations used to terrify me so much that I’d avoid them.
80. I didn’t attend my high school reunion because I was ashamed of having gained a lot of weight.
81. I’m way too self-critical.
82. I had an article published on a webzine called Busted Halo.
83. Nobody believes that I'm in my 30's when I first tell them; yesterday, one of my co-workers kept insisting that I was kidding until I showed her my driver's license.
84. I'm incredibly disorganized- I'm like a black hole for personal belongings.
85. Jason says I ought to learn how to play the bass, so I probably will.
86. I'd rather play the drums, though, like Keith Moon (who was really cute back in the day, IMHO), b/c Keith Moon is/was awesome.
87. I pray for Keith Moon's soul, and for my dad's.
88. My mom's side of the family has an extensive history of mental illness and heart trouble; this worries me to no end, since I know how not normal I am and how poorly I've taken care of myself over the past 14 years or so.
89. I'm having trouble coming up with stuff for this list, which surprises me since I love to talk about myself like I'm amusing or something.
90. Get Fuzzy is my favorite comic strip.
91. I have started about 15 novels in as many years; not a one has come anywhere near completion.
92. I really want to go to Europe.
93. I hate politics- it's something that seems to make people very angry and argumentative; of course I care about the world around me, but I refuse to invest myself emotionally in politics.
94. I have been blissfully crush-free for almost a year now- for the first time in a long time.
95. I really hope that I can make a difference in my lifetime.
96. I need to write to my family and friends more often.
97. I can't wait until I start school.
98. If you're still reading this, I commend your bravery.
99. I love hot English tea.
100. Yay, I'm finally done( and will probably think of really cool things to add to this later) !
* St. John's rectory is superduperfreakin' SWEET. Seriously. That is one seriously nice pad. Kudos to whoever decorated it.
* It's so odd to see Fr. Dan and Fr. John in street clothes (as opposed to the typical all-black with the collar).
* Fr. John was hilarious last night. He gave Fr. Dan a basket of gag gifts. We all laughed hysterically. It kinda lends credence to my therory about how priests interact with each other. After all, they may be holy, but they're still men, and if you get enough men together they act goofy.
* The choir is a very fun bunch.
* Fr. Dan, in the presence of the choir, will say just about anything.
Oh, and in case you guys are interested, I've actually posted to my other blog, and plan to do so again soon.
Monday- all that furniture-moving made me hurt my back so badly that I could barely get out of bed for the rest of the day. Also, can't seem to set my computer up to run high-speed internet.
Tuesday- Work, then Bible study with friends. RCIA afterwards. I know I'm not a "Bible Study" kinda gal, but maybe I should be.
Today- Choir practice after work. First need to take RCIA CD to Jason and see if he can fix it.
My job duties have drastically changed as of this week. Not sure how I feel about it. I just found out I have spent 3 months not knowing how to do my job. Yeah. Not really a happy camper, but whatever.
The anniversary bash for Fr. John went well. We had a lot of visitors. He said he liked our little musical number. Everyone seemed to have a good time.
Tonight was the anniversary of Fr. Dan's ordination (which I did witness, thank you very much). It was a lower-key do, but a few of us (Fr. Dan included) hung out afterwards. Lots of fun. Did I mention that I love being in choir?
But I digress- after all, I do enough whining as it is, and I have something relevant to blog about today, so I suggest you get comfy because as anyone who knows me at all will tell you, I can be really long-winded.
The state of the priesthood, in our Archdiocese and beyond, is something that I have had on my mind a lot lately. This week, the priesthood comes more to the forte, as our parish celebrates the anniversaries of our priests' ordinations- Fr. John's 25th, Fr. Dan's 1st, and I'm not sure how long Fr. Louis has been ordained.
I have a distinct respect and love for priests. I've found that Catholics seem to enjoy a very different relationship with their clergy than the Southern Baptists of my upbringing did- much closer, a great deal more familiar. Of course, it helps that in all the masses I've attended in the past seven years, not once have I encountered a two-hour rant about Hell and backsliding that passes for the evangelical homily. (One of the major reasons I left the Baptist church was that they seem to constantly try to guilt you into being their idea of a better person, or to join something. Always with the guilt-tripping, to the point that I associated church with feeling like a total piece of trash, not to mention my butt going numb.)
Again, I digress. Personally, I've met a fair number of priests in my lifetime; some of them I've really hit it off with, and some I've maintained a respectfully formal relationship with. What they do is something incredibly special and amazing- they give so much of themselves to their parish. They don't marry, nor do they raise children (in the traditional sense). They pretty much have to be available 24-7 in the event that someone gets sick or dies or has need of them. I have no idea what the average work day entails for a priest (and if anyone could elucidate me on this point I'd be eternally grateful), but I understand it to be seriously busy work.
What bothers me is the shortage of priests that we could soon be facing. Actually, I think we're feeling it now- last year we had three priests, and they seemed to be under quite a workload. Now we only have two (and Fr. Louis part-time), and I don't imagine that our parish has had a drop in baptisms, funerals, and other sacramental-type events. I hear about the priest shortage quite a bit in the various forums I visit, and just in day-to-day conversation with other Catholics. It worries me; what the priest does is absolutely vital to the lives of Catholics- and all people, really, whether or not they know it. I have no idea of what measures our diocese would have to resort to if the shortage continues unabated, but it can't be good.
Sometimes, I wish there were more I could do to help. If I were a man, I'd be applying to seminary right now. But, I was born female, so it is obviously not up to me to help alleviate the situation. (As for the notion of women being priests, let me put it to you this way: I don't think the Vatican is changing their stance on the ordination of women. I am not inclined to disagree.) Even my brother, who is married, has said that if he were single he'd seriously consider the priesthood.
What I can do is to use my blog, a means of communication with a much bigger readership that I realized I had, to make a statement- nay, an appeal. If you are a single Catholic male, I urge you to at least seriously consider the priesthood. Yes, it's a sacrifice, but it's such an unimaginably huge privilege as well. The ability to administer the sacraments is tremendous in my book. The love of the parishioners for their priests is incredible.
As if this post weren't long enough, now it's time for me to acknowledge some terrific priests that have made an impact on my life.
1. Fr. Rex Arnold: You guys must be tired of hearing me go on and on about how great this guy is. But I owe him a serious debt of gratitude that I'm quite sure I could never repay. Fr. Rex is a major factor in my becoming Catholic. Converting is a process, and as many of you know I have very little patience with anything that I don't understand. Frankly, there's a lot about Catholicism that I still don't understand fully, but once again I digress. Fr. Rex participated quite a bit in our RCIA classes, and that's how I got to know him. It seems that every time I wanted to throw in the towel out of frustration (in the face of what seemed to be an overwhelming flood of information, and things I could potentially goof up), Fr. Rex was there to reassure me that it wasn't that complicated, really; I didn't have to know everything to be Catholic. I just had to believe. He is still someone who I have a great deal of reverence and affection for.
2. Fr. John Metzinger: My relationship with Fr. John is definitely more on the formal side. We've only ever really conversed once, for about an hour. I can't say that we're buddies. But I do love him dearly, if for no other reason than that he is my pastor. He does seem rather stiff and formal, and a trifle distant, but there's something endearing about him anyway. 25 years as a priest- that's half his life! Add at least 8 years for preparation and you realize that he was young when he decided to obey God's call. (I've covered this in a past entry.)
3. Fr. Dan Letourneau: I had the privilege of witnessing Fr. Dan's ordination, which moved me beyond little else I've ever experienced. I've gotten to know him better since my return to St. John's, and I am genuinely grateful. He's highly entertaining, especially when he hangs out with the choir. I enjoy having him around, and will miss him sorely when the Archdiocese send him to his own parish (which I know will inevitably happen, so I'd best prepare for it now. Seriously. Remember how upset I was when Fr. Rex left? Yeah. I'd better start stocking up on the Kleenex now.)
4. Fr. Steven Hamilton and Fr. Shane Tharp: I MISS Catholic Ragemonkey like you wouldn't believe. It was the best, most informative and entertaining blog I have ever read. I've had the pleasure of meeting the guys responsible for it in person, and I find them both to be personable, intelligent, and compassionate. Their parishes are blessed to have them.
5. Fr. Kirk Larkin: Fr. Larkin is just made of awesome.
6. Fr. Kevin Ratterman: The first priest I had dealings with (whose name I don't recall- he left the Church at some point) did not make much of an impression on me (obviously). His interim replacement at St. Thomas More was Fr. Ratterman, who is one of the sweetest individuals I have ever met. He was part of a retreat that I went on a few years ago- the retreat where I decided that I was supposed to convert.
Seriously, single guys, get on the ball- if nothing else, I may be giving you a shout-out on here someday.
Afterwards, we got a tour of the church (which I had seen before, but it's nice to see what they do with it at Easter) and the rectory. The rectory is charming, and of course Fr. Rex owns a Bodum French press. (It's a fancy device for making coffee, basically. My mom had one too.) Dude takes his coffee seriously.
Of course, no visit with Fr. Rex would be complete without my saying something that makes him a bit uncomfortable. While we were all standing around the office chatting, my skirt caught on a cactus plant that I was standing next to. Without any forethought, I said to Fr. Rex, "I think your cactus is getting fresh with me." (Which, btw, is not a polite thing to say.) He turned red and muttered something about how it had gotten Sr. Barbara when she visited.
Awkward moment aside, I really enjoyed my visit. I shouldn't be such a stranger. It was nice getting to kow Anneke (wife of Charles, who was confirmed with us last Easter), and their kids are adorable.
I cannot wait for this week to be over! It looks like my aunt Kathy is coming to town this weekend- wish she'd given more notice. I think I'm still sticking to my plans for Saturday though. As in, I'm going on an outing with some of the other ladies of the church. To Clinton. Yay. :)
Saturday night's the Blue Mass honoring police officers, so I'm gonna definitely show up for that.
Something else to look forward to is Fr. John's anniversary of his ordination . 25 years he's been a priest- that's half his life! Plus the time it took getting there with seminary and all- gosh, he was YOUNG when he made that decision! How amazing that he was so open to God's will at, what, sixteen?
Wednesday: Took car to dealership. They didn't do squat. Supposed to take it in after work today; will call and remind them.
Thursday: Worked, went home, watched The Office, crashed.
Friday: Found semi-permanent lodging. Jason came to my place and helped me pack. Went back to his place, drank a couple of beers while listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young & Sgt. Pepper.
Saturday: Hot, sticky, unpleasant day for moving.
Sunday: Started out inauspiciously enough- had to get a tire repaired which meant I missed the 9 o'clock Mass, but I got there in time for the 11:30. Went to IHOP with Alysha afterwards. Did some shopping, went home, and veged.
Today- my job duties have gotten more complex. Thank God. Oh, and I remember why I never wear these shoes. They're extremely cute but also really impractical. I'm thinking about changing into my sneakers.
Tuesday, May 1: Sold the Prelude! Yay! One less thing to worry about.
Wednesday, May 2: Went to choir practice. Had a great time as always. Was surprised that Fr. Dan didn't know about my discernment. Well, he does now. :)
Thursday, May 3: The Prelude has officially changed hands. Ryan is a nice airman who actually knows about cars and is interested in making the Prelude impressive. Yay. And I got a fair return on the investment. Oh, and I'm tinkering with an idea for a novel.
Friday, May 4: I applied for readmission to UCO. Then I went out with my brother.
Sat: While at Jason's I found out that I am the apparent victim of fraud- someone wrote a check on my bank account and withdrew money without my knowledge or authorization. The paperwork involved in filing a fraud claim is hefty. Oh, and I'll need to go to Midwest City on Monday to get the title notarized. (Note to self: Dave does NOT know everything.) Not all bad, though- the dealership is lowering the price on the car to something decidedly less unfair.
Sun: Much better day. Went to 2 morning masses, ate breakfast with some of the choir between Masses. Fr. Dan is completely awesome and is my hero. Seriously- I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. Basically spent entire day with Alysha, which was good. I'm so grateful for her. After 2nd mass we went to Guthrie with another of her friends and some more church people and saw a musical. So much fun.
Mon: More fun with paperwork. As had to be in Midwest City for title business stopped by old high school to pick up a copy of my transcript. Del City High has changed so little in 13 years. Am starting to think I might indeed be manic depressive- should really get it checked out. Oh well. I went and played with the adoptable kitties at PetSmart. That was good.
Tuesday: My starter is going out. GREAT. Will take it into dealership Wed. Have been offered full-time position at MIN. Thought I'd be happier aboout it. Oh well- I start with a 90 day probation anyway so we both have time to decide about the permanace of this job. Went to RCIA after work, thoroughly enjoyed it, and have decided to become a sponsor.
Wed: So far a quiet day.
The opinions of other people don't matter as much as I thought they did. Of course, it's important that everyone know that I'm a Christian- it's the most important aspect of myself. Thus, it's also important that people around me know that I'm trustworthy, and a good citizen. But, beyond that, I need to leave off and concern myself primarily with actually living according to my own moral standards, as opposed to trying to please every single person I ever have to deal with (which is not only unfeasible, but exhausting).
There are a couple of major things I need to own up to:
1. I am easily taken advantage of, especially by people I barely know (b/c of my neurotic need to be liked universally). I have a hard time telling people 'no'. This needs to change or I will likely end up going postal (or becoming seriously anti-social at least). The most recent example is my purchase of a used car. They expect me to pay about 3 times what the car is actually worth. I foolishly signed the paperwork, thinking that a) I needed the car right then in order to keep my job and b) that I, with my credit issues, couldn't get financing anywhere else.
2. Ironically, I have, many times, taken advantage of the generosity of those who are closest to me. This has cost me a friendship recently (one of several years, that I cared a great deal about), as well as putting me at odds with what little family I have. I can't have this either.
These things have necessitated a few changes in my situation.
- I am actually, for the first time in a couple of years, living by myself, and totally able to meet these expenses. I can stay a month or two- long enough to figure out something more long-term. (Possibly getting into school this summer.)
- I'm going to tell the dealership that I have been made fully aware of how much the car is actually worth, and that they should be ashamed for taking advantage of my credit issues, gender, and lack of experience with purchasing a car from a dealership. Since I highly doubt that they'll want to do the right thing and adjust the price of the car to something more reasonable (if they cared about doing the right thing they wouldn't have sold it to me for as much as they did to begin with) then I am prepared to return the car. Also, I imagine that I'll have to eat what I've got invested in it so far (down payment plus three biweekly payments), but it's better to do that then to continue to be taken to the cleaners. Next time my brother and/or grandfather will be coming with me, b/c face it- men get treated differently at dealerships than women do.
To my friends and family: I'm sorry for taking such advantage of your generosity. I wish there were something I could do to fix it, but there's not. I wish I'd faced up to this earlier, but it just didn't happen. If you're no longer speaking to me then I deserve it, although I must give credit to those of you who have shown me mercy. I'm really trying, and maybe someday you'll understand.
To everyone else: I am on my guard. I'm still friendly, and I care about making the world around me a better place. Just don't mess with me. I'm not taking it any more. I know I've made some bad choices, and hurt quite a few people, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be treated like I'm subhuman and made to feel like a useless piece of dirt. I'm not worthless, no matter what any of you have to say.
PS- Don't worry about how I'll make do without a car. I've got it all worked out. Seriously. I'm gonna be ok, and it's temporary.
- Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
- Have your friends guess the movie titles.
1. Lolita, Obsession, Marijuana
2. Dolphin, Bad Poetry, Bathrobe
3. Blackmail, Twit, Surreal
4. Fan Mail, Police Chase, Bathtub
5. Soda Machine, Surrealism, Surprise Party
6. Unrequited Love, Period Piece, Family Relationships
7. Dance Scene, Interracial Romance, White Trash
8. Nun, Saint, Father/Daughter Relationship
9. Cat, Party, Based on Novel
10. Cult Favorite, Bong, Hazing
Come on now... you know you can't resist.
What do your friends think about you:Pleasant Valley Sunday/ The Monkees(Greatest Hits)
What do you dream about:Rock&Roll High School/ the Ramones (Road to Ruin)
Whats the theme song to your life:Hey Jude/ the Beatles (1's)
What was your high school like:Time of the Season/ the Zombies (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me sdtrk)
How do you feel right now:Are You Gonna Be My Girl, JET (Get Born)
When you get older your life will be:Where It's At, Beck (Odelay!)
Your angry song is:Good Day Sunshine, the Beatles (Revolver)
Your love song is:Bad Brain, the Ramones (Road to Ruin)
Your happy song is:Jane, Barenaked Ladies (Live)
How you feel about your boyfriend/ girlfriend:I Can See For Miles, the Who (20th Century Masters)
What your bf/gf thinks about you:Violet, Hole (Live Through This)
What your style says about you:Rainbow Connection, Kermit the Frog (I have no idea)
How is your love life: Doctor Worm, They Might Be Giants (20 Years of Dial-A-Song compilation)
First of all, to SoonerScotty (I can't believe I forgot to add you to my blogroll- I've rectified it now)- Thanks for the encouragement, and I will get that meme done asap (once I find my mp3 player). :)
Next, to Dave of DaveTown- it was really nice meeting you at church today, and I hope to meet up with you again. :)
I am so grateful for all of you who read this blog, and I hope that I can continue to keep you all entertained.
PS- I'm thinking of starting a separate journal for my short stories (or bits thereof). I'll let you guys know if I actually go through with it.
Let's see- what did I do with my week? Oh. I worked. Worked and rested. Rest was nice, especially after the craziness of last week.
I did go to daily mass once this week (still carpooling home with Tyf after work). I took the week off from RCIA- I was a little out of sorts on Tuesday.
I've been working on myself a bit too. There are a lot of negative things from my childhood that I just need to let go of and I've got to get past them because they're dragging me down.
This week: hopefully I find a more permanent living situation, and can keep it together.
Seriously, it seems that every other priest I meet and/or get to know is cool.
Yeah, Fr. Dan is growing on me. :)
Oh, yeah, the discernment thing- I've decided two things:
1. Let it happen in God's time- don't try to rush into anything.
2. It's good to know my preferences (active and in habits), but I should be open to anything. Who knows, I may find that I really like a contemplative order, or one that doesn't wear the habit.
Holy Week has been an interesting experience for me thus far. Holy Thursday mass was nice- my first.
Last night's Good Friday solemn service was amazing. I went to last year's (I thought it fitting preparation for the next evening's Confirmation), but this year I really, really took something away from the experience.
I've been Christian most of my life, but I really didn't even begin to grasp the meaning of Christ's sacrifice until recently. I'm still not sure I fully appreciate it to the fullest extent, but I know that I never, ever want to take it for granted again.
It just really hit me, while Deacon John was speaking last night, that the Crucifixion was a tremendous social injustice. It was necessary, but it really makes me feel bad for Jesus. He did absolutely nothing to deserve the death that he died- a death he freely accepted because he loved us all so much. He gave his life so that we might all have a chance to live as we're supposed to.
It's like a piece of the puzzle has been put into place. I understand my faith, and myself, a bit better.
Happy Easter to you all, and God bless you.
Mike Bradshaw's funeral was incredibly sad. I didn't know him personally at all- I'm not sure we ever met one another. However, it kept reminding me of my mom's funeral (despite the fact that hers was a non-denominational affair, held at night, with a lot of speakers and no Eucharist). I know personally the pain of losing a parent unexpectedly and well before I expected to have to, and I feel tremendous sympathy for all of them.
Great Chrism Mass, though (despite being almost a half hour late b/c traffic was horrendous- i-35 and the Kilpatrick Turnpike were backed up and it took us almost an hour to get home when it usually takes us 30 minutes or so). I hadn't really remembered what Chrism Mass was, though- Deacon John just recommended it to us last year. It was really neat- all the priests of the archdiocese were there, as well as a bunch of other people. It was like a huge family reunion, really. Some of the people were ones I knew well and saw regularly; some I loved dearly and was happy to see (in some cases surprised- I didn't know Theresa's mom was gonna be there), some were people I'd heard of and was very happy to meet.
Like I mentioned before, Susan Lepak was there- it was nice to see her for a bit. Also ran across Anne Pryzkucky (I know I didn't spell that right), a delightful lady I went on retreat with several years ago. That was neat- I really like her a lot and I hope that we can hang out more. Also got to meet Fr. Hamilton (the Ragemonkey I hadn't met yet), and saw Fr. Tharp again. Both terrific guys- very pleasant and conversational. Also saw Fr. Larkin again- he's a fun guy! I never thanked him for his advice at my last confession. Ah well, maybe next time. Met up with Fr. Rex again, and it wasn't awkward this time (though he's taken to classifying me as a writer based on one smegging article). Good times, my friends, good times.
Today- work, carpool, choir practice. Then the fun of Easter Triduum.
But enough about that.
I found Vision's Vocational Match Service, and went ahead and spent 15 minutes filling out a questionnaire. I had an inbox full of responses today.
Maybe one of the things that derailed my discernment so quickly was that I was trying to do it on my terms, and God simply put me to rights on that score. I do have a few preferences, but God's the one who's calling me to this; perhaps I should let him have some input as to where I end up and what I end up doing.
Mike Bradshaw's funeral is tomorrow morning. I'll be in the choir. It took some serious rearranging of my schedule (I'm carpooling home with Tyf) but it's doable. And instead of RCIA I'm going to the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral.
You scored 45% Organization, 85% abstract, and 71% extroverted!
|This test measured 3 variables. |
First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.
Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.
Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.
You are mostly organized, more abstract, and more extroverted.
Most people either love or hate Elmo. I hope you love Elmo, because that's who you are.
You are both somewhat organized. You have a good idea where you put things and you probably keep your place reasonably clean. You aren't totally obsessed with neatness though. Elmo has the same basic approach. His place is pretty tidy, but he doesn't spend all of his time cleaning it up.
The other possible characters are
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also if you want to tell me your favorite Sesame Street character, I can total them up and post them here. Perhaps your choice will win!
|My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: |
|Link: The Your SESAME STREET Persona Test written by greencowsgomoo on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test|
My weekend was good- got a bit lonely though. Made plans for Tuesday evening (after Mass, before RCIA) with Alysha (from the RCIA class, will be confirmed at Easter Vigil). A single, childless woman in my age group who is really smart and funny? I'm soooo thanking God right now.
Actually, I'm thanking God for a lot of things. He really does answer prayer. If he doesn't get back to you right away, it just may mean he's got something really good in the works for you.
Oh, and I know God's looking after me today- totally spilled dishwater on my blouse, but fortunately had a sweater in my car (that doesn't clash with my outfit).
Please help me to remember that you’re always with me.
When the pain gets so bad that there is nothing but darkness,
Remind me to open my eyes so I can be led by your light.
When my load gets so heavy I can’t go on,
Help me to loosen my grip so you can help.
When the voices in my head rise to a deafening roar,
Help me to understand that they can no longer hurt me.
When I’m feeling unlovable,
Help me to accept your unconditional love.
When life feels hopeless and it seems useless to go on,
Let me hear your gentle encouragement.
When I’m feeling hateful and angry,
Help me to know you understand the pain behind the anger.
When I’m feeling bitter about the past and doubtful about the future,
Teach me to enjoy where I am today.
On the days when the grey skies look blue,
And there is a song in my heart,
Let me remember that you brought me through my darkest night.
EDIT: I have a few minutes left of my lunch break so I'll get this in.
It's Friday. Week is almost over. I have 2 days of sleeping in to look forward to. Yay!
I'm going to a Lenten Soup Supper at St. John's tonight. I've volunteered to help clean up afterwards, and then I might as well stick around for Stations of the Cross.
I'm not wearing my watch today, and it's totally throwing me off my game.
We have our very own Dwight Schrute at my office. His name is Kip. Tyff says he's a perv, but I've never caught him being pervy. Just a little bit creepy. Still entertaining though.
I really need to take the polish off my nails- it's light green and chipped.
Oh, and I finally have managed to learn to keep a simple beat going on the drums. :D YAY! Now I just need my own kit.
Okie-dokey. Back to work.
I've been rooming with my friend Tyffani for the past 3 weeks. My brother's out of town right now and I'm supposed to be checking up on his place to make sure the mail gets delivered and that it doesn't get vandalized or something.
I was going back to Tyff's for some stuff, and I sensed something was wrong (I know she stayed home sick from work yesterday). I asked if she was ok, and she said she was (although it was obvioous, even to me, that she was upset about something). I decided that Jason's house needed sitting, at least for a couple of days.
Today, she hasn't spoken a word to me. I wonder if it was something I did. (She wouldn't tell me if it were.)
So, yeah, I'm a little bummed out. I hope she's ok.
Oh well. I have daily mass at St. John's and choir practice to look forward to. :)
Ok, I need to get this done ASAP, as I'm supposed to be working.
I've decided on a course of action re: my discernment. So far, nothing really huge, but we'll see how well I adjust and look at maybe taking on more. The following is a list of the things I have challenged myself to do:
- go to Daily Mass (so far, so good- went to St. John's yesterday and will go to St. Monica's today after work)
- become more involved (Choir for now, maybe add on Metro Missionaries)
- go back to RCIA class and watch the master (that would be Deacon John) at work so that I can get a better understanding of his teaching style. This serves two purposes- I can help out with RCIA and I can become better versed in Catholicism so that I can help out with and/or teach RE
- Read more about Catholicism in my spare time
That's it for now.
EDIT: My conversion story, per JV's request.
No, really, I am. I crave the acceptance of other people to the point that it's neurotic. I think it actually drives people off. Ha. Go figure.
Nobody on this planet is universally liked. Once I understand that it applies to me as well, I'll be a much happier camper.
My mom would be so appalled.
So far my Monday isn't bad. I think I'm gonna catch daily mass at St. John's today after work.
ADDENDUM: Make that 2 Cafe Americanos. I'm hyperactive and intolerable, and I feel sorry for my coworkers and the people who will be at mass with me this evening. XD
Let's see- The whole choir thing is a pretty sweet deal. I'm enjoying it a lot thus far. I look forward to RCIA on Tuesday- it brings back the memory of anticipation for my own confirmation. I can't wait for the next round of RCIA classes- I'm sure there's something I can do to help out.
Still like my job pretty well. I'm fortunate to have a really nice bunch of co-workers. Admittedly, one (Tyffani) is a close friend of several years, but I like everyone else too. The actual work is a bit dull, but having worked both retail sales and food service, I can definitely say that I've done so much worse.
BTW, if you're a blogger and your blog isn't listed here, let me know and I'd be more than happy to add you.
My faith has returned with a vengeance. There's nothing like being back home. St. John's is where I'll be for a while.
On the personal front- I work in Edmond (which will make attending Daily Mass a lot easier). I like my job pretty well, but I really look forward to going to school in the fall (most likely UCO). I bought another car, which is a serious improvement over my Prelude.
I've decided to get involved in stuff at St. John's- I'm going to my first choir practice tomorrow. Also, I went to RCIA tonight to brush up on the stuff I learned last year. I'd like to help out with RE, but I should have a better grasp of what I'm going to be teaching. So, yeah, I think I'll help out with RCIA while I'm observing for the next year- might as well make myself useful.
So, as for discernment- instead of trying to mow down everything in my path to get myself into the nearest convent, I should probably concentrate on finishing school and getting more accustomed to the basics of my faith. The will is strong, but I should have some knowledge and credentials to back it up.
Attended our parish's Penance Service last night. Received the Sacrament of Reconciliation- long overdue and really, really the best thing I've done in a while. Did not expect Fr. Rex to be one of the priests listening to confessions, though. I was happy to see him, and I stuck around to say hi. I wish I hadn't- it was awkward for reasons that I don't understand. Feh- I was tired and going to Confession really takes it out of me. I probably should go more often- it will get to be less trying if I do.
OK, I'm tired and I have to get up early for work so nighty-night. Oh, and a shout out to Fr. Kirk Larkin (genius!) and Fr. Kevin Ratterman (a dear, dear man).
peace be with you all.
In other news...
I've returned to OKC. I just couldn't handle the self-imposed exile in Muskogee any longer, especially with my support system being here. That and the Mormons, whose influence I briefly fell under until they wanted to baptize me less than a week after we began our interfaith dialogues. (It should be noted that I'm not the most skilled of apologists, either.) It wasn't their brand of Christianity that I cared for, anyway- it was the sense of community that I got from talking to these two very earnest young men. The whole baptism thing, though, was pretty much the end of wanting to talk to them about faith any more- I told them that I wasn't interested in another baptism, and that I was cetainly not interested in leaving the Catholic church.
Yeah, I don't really like to talk about Muskogee. Dark times.
So, here I am, back amongst the people I love best, holding down a totally decent job and making plans for my future. I'm going to go to UCO, I think, to finish my education degree.
I feel like I've totally droppped the ball on my discernment, and that's the biggest issue I have. My time in Muskogee sunk me into the deepest depression I've encountered since the loss of my mother, and my discernment was the first casualty. I'm a little afraid to pick it back up now. Failure does that to me. I'm going to let myself heal before making any further decisions.
That's pretty much it on my end. Peace and love to you all.
You remember my last post, the one where I wondered if God likes me? Yeah. I've really had some issues with that lately, mostly because I tend to be rather self-critical. Anyway, Khaled left me a response that just absolutely put it in perspective (thanks, man!) He said that God not only loves us, but he likes our individual personalities.
Then it hit me- of course he does. He made every one of us as we are. He may not like the things we do, but that's different from liking us.
Check out Khaled's blog- highly interesting stuff, very well written by someone who is quite observant.
Peace be with you all!